Wish It Were Easier..

I don’t know how to express what I feel right now. It’s one of those things where you can’t tell anyone, but you can’t keep it to yourself either. It irritates you annoys the crap outta you. There’s just one person you can probably clear it out with. The very source of this anxiety, this annoying feeling you have in the pit of your stomach. It’s usually very easy to say anything to this person. You don’t think twice before you open your mouth to talk to this person. It’s like your only pillar you had to lean onto is falling down. This one strong pillar you had in life that you trusted on so much is just falling apart and you feel like your helpless you can’t do anything to hold it together.

What do you do when someone really close to you suddenly starts drifting away? Starts pushing you away; starts acting so weird around you that you start wondering if you went wrong somewhere. Of course when you are close to a person you have all rights to have a fight. You fight and you break up but eventually you make up for it. But this isn’t anything like that. There are times when the person is just pretending everything is alright. Puts on a smile and fakes it. But you’re not dumb and obviously if you’ve known the person well you are going to catch it. When this person came into your life you felt like for the first time in a really long time you are looking forward to the future with a smile. And now if there’s any reason this smile could disappear its them. You think of them when there’s anything happening with you because you want to share it first with them.

 You try hard to keep it normal too thinking maybe this is just a phase, maybe it just needs time. Like they say- it’ll heal with time. But seriously you know the “impatient you” very well. You can’t just let it be. You have to fix it. If it’s something bothering them then why not talk it out and let it out. Communication is all it takes. But NO. The egoistic hamo sapiens that we are we prefer waiting for them to make the first move at making things better. Even though you are dying a painful death at every second, you just find it easier waiting for them to make the first move at making things better. Sometimes even if you are ready to do it, ready to take the first step you get this vibe from them like they don’t want to be disturbed. It’s like they’ve hung a “Do Not Disturb” sign and they don’t want to be bothered. Then what? Then maybe just leave it to time. One of my friend said to me, “Good things will happen soon. Just wait for it”.

But otherwise why take all that pain and trouble? Why not just pick up the phone and talk it out with each other. Save those tears for another day. If anything it’s just going to make things better and it’ll save you from all the crappy feeling you feel right now. Maybe it wouldn’t make things better, but at least you will know where you stand. I don’t even know if what I’m saying makes sense anymore. But I know I just have to say it. Wish it were easier without you, but i know better.

I miss you when something good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one that understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear.

if only i could go back in time...

Haven't you ever wondered, what if you could go back in time and change certain things, it would all be so different. If it was so easy as just turning the needles of your watch and suddenly being transported to the old times, where you could make all the needed changes and have a perfect future..not that your not happy with your present, but sometimes you just wish it was a little different. Or sometimes you just wish that you could go back and stop in time.. relive every happy moment over and over again.

One of the most annoying feeling is REGRET. And this happens when you are not happy with something that happened in the past. You so badly wish you could just go back and say things you wanted to or rather that you needed to. Because now you regret. And you can't help it.. it eats you up slowly. But now all you can think is "what if i had said..." You know it would've been so much better if only you had said what you wanted to. You imagine how it would be if you had just spoken your mind. You would be right where you wished to be. Content. Happy. No regrets. 

But the stupid fool that your friends call you and that you are, you just didn't have the guts to say it. Yes your friends call you stupid and they call you dumb; and you feel like one for not being "brave" enough for saying what you really wanted to. You wouldn't be going "Aaaagghhhh" right now. I have had my share of regrets. I have loads of them. And every time i think of those moments i wish i could change all of them. Wish i could just turn the needles on my watch back to the old times. Then maybe we wouldn't be stuck where we are now. Maybe it would be like the fairy tale that everyone only dreams about. Maybe it'd finally be the way we hoped it would be... but the cowards that we are, we chicken out. Every single time. Why, you may ask. Its only because we care too much about the people around, who don't really give a damn about us. The next time you have a chance take it, grab it, or trust me you are going to be regretting. God gives you a lot of chances. Its you who needs to take them. If you don't make it happen for yourself, nobody else can.

So make up your mind, don't give a damn for the people around and just go for it. If you want something you need to ask for it; you need to fight for it. Nobody else can do it for you. If you stop to think what the people are going to say, then your never going to get what your wishing for. And all your going to think is- If only i could go back in time and...

just a kiss goodnight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight

Just a touch in the fire burning so bright

I don’t wanna mess this thing up

I don’t wanna push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might

Be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life

So baby I’m alright with just a kiss good night…

This is one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite band, Lady Antebellum. My favorite songs keep changing all the time though :P. This one is like my current favorite because it reminds me of somebody every time that I listen to it (Please stop guessing :D).

Sometimes you are just holding back because of circumstances. You’re hiding what you feel because you’re scared of what you’re going to get back as a reaction. And all you think about is this one thing all the time. But you don’t want to push it because you’re scared... scared of what people might say; scared of what your friends are going to say; scared of just what’s going to happen once you have it. What if you lose what you have and cherish so much, care for so much. Although you have this urge to forget about the world, forget about how things would go on after that and just go for it! But you don’t do it. It’s like you push away all that urge and you try to just be happy with what you have. Although you’re still yearning for it... But now you know you have to stick to what you have, learn to live with what you have and just put on a smile on your face for everybody to see. But you know sometimes you can’t have what you want, sometimes you just have to “adjust”. And so you are doing it.

You know you’re lucky to have what is already yours but is it really enough? There’s always that “cherry on top” or that “icing on top” that you wish for. But you are happy anyways...learning to be happy.

Every time that I have my coffee I just use two spoons of sugar, never more than that because it really ruins it. And the same way I’m too scared to take another step ahead here because I’m scared of ruining it; scared of messing it all up. Scared of losing what I have. So baby I’m alright with just a kiss good night. J

amazing people make you're life amazing.

With everybody you have in life, you always have your favorite set of people whom you’d prefer to be with over the rest. Not that the rest don’t mean anything, but you just tend to be more of yourself with these friends. Like if you have to burp, you wouldn’t  be embarrassed if it was with them around because they don’t really care and love you for the way you are (I have somebody in mind here :P). You can be yourself without having the thought of being judged by anybody… coz trust me they really don’t mind you that way.

I don’t know how to describe these bonds or threads that hold us together. They just grow stronger with time. You could compare the fights and the make ups and despite everything the trust you have in each other as something that makes the relationship stronger. This bond could be compared to a thread that holds us together. Even when there’s a fight or a clash(okay i just remembered clash of the titans :P ) or in other words when the thread gets loose and breaks, if we come back to being the old way and sort out the differences it’s like you’re tying the broken ends of the thread. And even though there’ll be a knot, the distance has reduced and it has got you’ll closer to each other. It’s amazing sometimes when I think of all the friends I have and have had (I say had because sometimes things don’t turn out your way and you lose people you once cared for). Sometimes I wonder what if I was a loner; what if I had none of these amazing people in life; what if I never had met anyone of them; I would never have a 4 AM friend; Geez life would be miserable and suck big time! Like my coffee without its two spoons of sugar (it sucks!)

And this post goes out to all my friends out there who have stood by me at all times and hit me on my head when I was making a mistake. I seriously don’t know how to describe what you’ll mean and no matter how weird and strange things get in future we’d stick by each other like glue :D. You’ll are amazing and love you’ll lots like jelly totsJ.

special friend?

We all have our own world. Our own blissful world. With the people who mean the most to us… you may have millions of friends. Loads of good friends. Many close friends. But you always have one best friend… a special friend. And I’m sure reading this you already thought of somebody in your head. You have many best friends you may say. But there’s always one whom you think of first, when you have something to share. There’s always one person a little closer to your heart than the rest. The one person whom you can’t hide anything from no matter how much you try... Because they probably know you better than you know yourself.

Sometimes you meet people whom you hit it off with really well. You may not be someone who talks a lot. You could be an introvert who would just stand in the crowd and listen. Just listen. Hardly ever talk. But with this person you can talk hours together. Or even if you have nothing really to say it’s never ‘awkward’ silence with them. Nothing is awkward with them. You are just yourself, the silly you… but you don’t really care because nothing feels awkward between you guys. You start wondering... how it is possible I’m like this only with just this one person. You are yourself when you are with them, and it’s like they bring out the best in you. You run to them in times of crisis, you run to them whenever you need to talk to somebody. You run to them when you feel happy, when you’re low. They are the backbone to your life. You know your life would’ve been incomplete without them. It would be like Tom without Jerry. And that would definitely suck. They’re like the hot chocolate you crave for when it’s snowing outside. Like the hand you automatically hold when you are crossing the road. You just can NOT do without them… you try to wonder how it would be without them in your life now…but it’s just unthinkable. It would be like gold without its luster. Like a body without a soul.

And just when you thought it was perfect. You start having fights, you have ego clashes. You start wondering how could this person have changed… maybe they are thinking the very same thing too. You don’t call; you don’t text; just because you’re waiting for them to do it first. But they don’t. And it’s killing you. It’s sucking you from deep within and you keep wondering how they could have not cared. And eventually, you give in. You can’t wait for them to do it because the wait is killing you. You know you need that person in your life, like oxygen to live.  Like I said you just can NOT do without them. And then you’ll talk it out and let it all out. And you’ll laugh at how silly you find the fights now. But deep within you are glad you have them back. You know no matter how much you’ll fight you’ll come back together… you’ll stick together and make it through the hardest of times, side by side, hand in hand. And these fights, if anything just make your bond a little stronger. And as long as you have them, you have all the reasons to smile. You have nothing to worry.

things change, sometimes for the best.

Sometimes you get this feeling in life when you feel everything’s going right. All you ever wanted you have. You have this happy vibe about everything around, and it shows in your smile, it shows on your face, in your eyes. It shows in the way you talk to everybody around... I guess you just tend to pass on that happy vibe.  You are happy and nothing can change it. You start thinking – Wow! My life couldn’t get better than this! People around you see that you have this unusual glow, you have a contagious smile. And they envy that about you. But you don’t give a damn because you are happy and nothing can change it. Or atleast that’s what you feel…

All that you wish for happens just the way you were hoping it would. You don’t really expect to do well in your recent exams, but you end up topping your class. Your all time crush starts noticing you, even comes up to you and talks to you... You are on top of the world. You get to know each other...You know how it is, the all day all night texting. Doodling his name in your notebook in class, calculating your love percentage and when it says 93%, you can’t hide your grin (although you know it is the silliest game). In a few weeks you start dreaming about your future with him, about how he would make the perfect boyfriend... and you feel you have found ‘the one’. You can’t wait for him to ask you out because that’s all you’ve been dreaming about. And when he actually does you are the happiest thing on earth. You start smiling to yourself whenever you think of him (which is almost all the time). You are dancing in the shower; you suddenly like the cheesiest romantic flicks even if you are a diehard action fan. You start dressing up in the way you think he would fall in love even more, when he compliments you and you blush, the people around say they make such a cute couple and you become happier. The girls envy you and try to attract him, but he has eyes only for you and you know that. This is the happiest time of your life… or is it?

Days go by, weeks go by, months go by and slowly you both get busy with your own lives. You used to be each other’s lives. What happened now? You try to search for answers but you can’t seem to find any. Something seems to be missing… the magic seems to be missing now. You know you like each other, but is it still like before? Is it still the same? You push the thoughts out of your head, not wanting to think of it anymore. You wonder if he is thinking the same way. Days pass by, and it still is the same weird feeling. You decide to talk. When you do, you know that he feels the same way… you’ll are not ready to give up so soon. But you know it’s over deep within. It’s dead now… all that you have is the ’awkward silence’ with each other. You’ll decide to end it now, because you both know it’s for the best. Although the pain you feel is worse than any pain you ever felt. And this isn't anything like the pain of a massive injection, it’s the pain you feel in your heart that hurts the most. The feeling of giving up something you once cared for more than life itself, something you dreamt would last forever. That pain cannot be described in words...

You still see each other everyday though. And it’s extremely hard to face each other, because all the old memories start flooding your minds. Every time that you look at him it all hits you like one big blow in your face. You know what happened has happened for the best, of course you’ll take time to get on with life the way it used to be, but you know you will.

Sometimes things change, things you thought never would. And when they do you feel like it’s all over, it’s the end of everything. These things you feel like holding on forever but sometimes it’s not in your hands to decide. Maybe if you open your eyes and look around, you will see that you still have all the people in your life who love you more than anything. And its these people who matter. Everybody has to face changes, and you learn to live with it. Or rather grow around it. But ultimately you do, whether you choose it or not. 

dude don't you worry, i got your back.

We all need somebody in our lives. Someone special, someone really close to our heart. Someone we can share our deepest secrets with. Someone we don’t have to say anything to, yet they’d know exactly what’s on our mind. Someone to pick us up when we fall and say “it’s alright you can start again” or “it’s alright everybody makes mistakes”. Reading this you must be thinking of your boyfriend or girlfriend or probably your better half. But I’m talking about the best friend. Right from the first days in school we choose our friends, friends who sometimes stay on for a lifetime. Or sometimes those whom you lose touch with and end up finding them on social networking sites after ages, like my mom did. Now they decide to meet up with each other when they visit their cities.

I made a lot of friends in my life. Some which ended badly like a bad relationship. Even though now thinking of it I find those fights silly and wish I could go back in time and still have them in my life. None the less, things happen for a reason. I made my first best friend in my first grade and fortunately she is one friend who is still with me, and now is like my sister. Even though she lives half way across the world we never fail keeping in touch. Obviously when she left school I did make other friends. Some who were bossy, some were just plain mean, some who were extremely possessive. I met one person in my eighth grade that I thought was extremely similar to me. We turned out to be the best of friends. And since our parents knew each other, sleepovers and shopping trips together were often. When we moved to college we made new friends, or rather different set of friends. And slowly drifted apart. The friends I made in college thought me a lot in life. Or college itself has thought me a lot in life. I have found friends that I know will stand by me come what may. I have even found friends who are really sweet to me, but when I’m not looking well, it’s a whole different story.

I always used to watch the F.R.I.E.N.D.S episodes on TV and wonder will I ever get friends like that. Well I have found friends like that. And I consider myself lucky to have found them. These are the people who will stand by you no matter how old you get, or how fat and ugly you get, or however far you may live from each other. And even if you can’t always see them you know these are the people you can count on. People say only blood relations are the ones that you can count on, well I don’t agree. They say mothers are god sent angels in life to always guard and protect you. I say friends are angels that will protect you even if your mom couldn’t. Friendship doesn’t come with a price tag or a lifetime warranty. It’s just a promise made from one heart to another saying “Dude don’t you worry, I got your back.”

Oh my god! I was suppose to meet her at 5. But its already 4:30. I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night. I don't have time for a bath now and so i guess my deodorant is going to be my best friend for today. I spray half of the bottle on my stinky self and leave home in a hurry. I start kicking my damn bike but it just wont start. "Today is just NOT my day!". Looking around for some sort of transport mode and not finding any, i'm forced to go the common man way. She's waiting for me twenty blocks from here, and god i have so little time to get there. I got the ring in my shirt pocket and i stop by at a store to get some flowers for my love. A big bunch of red roses is what i was looking for but, with my luck gende ka phool is what i get. Great!! Sprinting down the street and damn this rainy season. I look up at the sky and say "So this is the day you picked." I cant go back now though, almost there. I see her standing at a distance and suddenly its all sunny again. She has a weird look on her beautiful face as I offer her the wet gende ka phool. She starts laughing. I get down on my knees and pop the question. She's laughing hysterically now and she says with her honey sweet voice- Sure darling. But just promise me you'll wear pants on our wedding day! Now I look down to see my hairy legs. Flushed with embarrassment, but yet ecstatic that she made my day.